In short: A toxic trait is a pattern of behaviour that repeatedly harms the people around you, such as controlling, belittling, blaming or manipulating them. A toxic relationship is one where these patterns are frequent, leave one or both people feeling unsafe or diminished, and continue even when they are raised.
How do I know if I'm being gaslit?
In today's fast-paced and hyperconnected world, relationships play a crucial role in our mental and emotional wellbeing. Whether it's with friends, colleagues, romantic partners, or family members, all relationships have the potential to experience toxic traits. It's important to recognise that toxic behaviour can manifest in any relationship, regardless of sexual orientation, gender, or the nature of the relationship.
Gaslighting, for example, is a form of emotional abuse that can occur in any relationship. It's not always easy to recognise. It involves one person manipulating the other into questioning their sanity, memory, or perception of reality. This can lead the victim to feel paranoid, confused, and emotionally drained. Gaslighting tactics can include denying events that have occurred, shifting blame onto the victim, trivialising the victim's emotions, and creating doubt about the victim's memories.
In this post, we'll explore some of the most common signs of toxic relationships and offer insights into how to break free if you find yourself in one.
What does toxic behaviour in a relationship look like?
Toxic behaviour is less about a single argument and more about a pattern that wears you down over time. Common signs include:
Lack of respect: In toxic relationships, there is often a lack of mutual respect between partners. Your partner may demean or belittle you, leaving you experiencing feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy.
Control and manipulation: Toxic relationships are often characterised by controlling and manipulative behaviours. Your partner may try to control your actions, emotions, or decisions. This creates a sense of power imbalance and dependency. You may feel confused, disoriented, or unable to make decisions, even about simple things.
Constant criticism: Criticism is a natural part of any relationship, but in a toxic one it becomes relentless and destructive. Constant criticism will eventually make you feel insecure and as though you can't ever get things right. You may experience a significant drop in self-esteem, often feeling unworthy or incompetent.
Gaslighting: Recognising gaslighting can be challenging, because it's a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your perceptions, memories, and reality. You may frequently second-guess yourself and question your own perceptions or memories. You may feel like you're "going crazy" or overly sensitive. The person gaslighting you will often dismiss your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, making you feel that your concerns are invalid or unimportant. They may frequently contradict themselves or deny saying things you know they said. They might change narratives or events to confuse you, and undermine your confidence in your abilities, making you doubt your competence and self-worth.
Isolation: In toxic relationships, one partner may try to isolate the other from friends, family, and support networks, making it harder for you to get an outside perspective. This isolation can lead to increased dependence on the other person and a sense of alienation from others. Extended periods of isolation from your friends and loved ones could lead you to feelings of depression.
Unpredictable mood swings: In a toxic relationship, one partner may exhibit unpredictable mood swings and emotional outbursts, creating an environment of fear and unease for the other person. In these situations, it's natural to feel a heightened sense of anxiety, because you never know what to expect. You may always feel as though you're walking on eggshells.
Lack of accountability: Toxic partners often refuse to take responsibility for their actions and may shift blame onto their partners, creating a cycle of guilt and self-doubt. You may find yourself constantly apologising for things you didn't do or for things that shouldn't require an apology.
Unhealthy communication patterns: Communication in toxic relationships is often marked by defensiveness, stonewalling, and a lack of empathy. This can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts, further deteriorating the relationship. You may feel like you constantly need to defend yourself against accusations or criticisms, even if you're not sure what you did wrong.
Everyone behaves badly sometimes. What makes a relationship toxic is when these behaviours are frequent, one-sided and don't change when they are raised.
What does "toxic trait" mean?
"Toxic trait" is an everyday phrase, not a clinical diagnosis. People use it to describe a habit that causes harm to others or to themselves, from always needing to be right to going silent instead of talking things through. Naming a toxic trait can be a useful first step. Changing it usually means understanding what drives it, such as anxiety, past experiences or learned ways of coping.
If you notice that you are drawn to relationships where you feel anxious or on edge, you may find our article on anxious attachment helpful. Therapy can also help you understand these patterns and decide what you want to change. Find out how therapy at Regal works.
Breaking free from a toxic relationship
Trust your feelings: Pay attention to your feelings and instincts. If something feels off, it probably is.
Seek professional help: It's important to seek support from a mental health professional who specialises in relationships and mental wellbeing. They can provide valuable insights and support as you navigate the process of breaking free from a toxic relationship.
Establish boundaries: Setting clear boundaries is crucial when trying to break free from a toxic relationship. This may involve limiting contact with the person and surrounding yourself with a support network of friends and family.
Focus on self-care: Engaging in self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, and hobbies can help restore a sense of balance and self-worth. Prioritising self-care is essential for rebuilding confidence and resilience.
Reflect and heal: Take the time to reflect on the relationship and its impact on your mental health. Healing from a toxic relationship may involve processing emotions, seeking closure, and working through any trauma experienced during the relationship.
Frequently asked questions
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A toxic trait is a repeated behaviour that harms other people or yourself, such as controlling, criticising, blaming or manipulating. Most people have at least one unhelpful habit. It becomes a problem when it happens often, hurts others and continues even after it has been pointed out.
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Common signs include feeling controlled, constantly criticised or blamed, being cut off from friends and family, and feeling you have to walk on eggshells. A useful question is how you feel most of the time: safe and respected, or anxious and diminished.
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Sometimes, if both people recognise the pattern and want to change it, and if the relationship is safe. Change usually needs consistent effort over time, not promises. If there is control, threats or violence, focus first on your safety and seek specialist support.
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Not always, but the two can overlap. "Toxic" is an everyday term for unhealthy patterns. When behaviour involves fear, control, threats or harm, it is abuse. Coercive control is a criminal offence in England and Wales.
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Yes. Therapy can help you make sense of what happened, rebuild confidence and notice patterns you want to avoid in future relationships. Approaches such as CBT can help with anxiety, low self-esteem and self-blame that often follow.
At Regal Private Therapy Practice, our team of doctoral Clinical Psychologists is based in the Harley Street Medical District in central London and is dedicated to supporting individuals in breaking free from toxic relationships. We offer a range of evidence-based therapies, including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and couples counselling for those navigating relationship difficulties.
If you're struggling in a toxic relationship, we encourage you to seek professional guidance and support. Please don't hesitate to get in touch with our team today. Your mental wellbeing is paramount, and it's okay to ask for help.
